Today's thought

Build your own dreams, or someone else will pay you to build theirs!

Tuesday, December 4, 2012

Brooklyn's Birth Story

Dear Brooklyn

I have wrote bits and pieces of your birth, a blog post here, a journal entry there, but never a full account of what it was like to bring you into this world. This is our story baby girl- mine and yours, you and me my Brookie girl, you and me. Of course our boys were there, your loving Dad my love and my first born, your brother Jack- along with your adoring Grammie, aunt and Grandpa too. They all love you. But none of them held you inside for 9 months, or felt what it was like to bring you into this world, so this is our story Brooklyn Ellen, the story of how you came to be mine. 

When your brother was three years old and we were all settled back in our home state of Utah, I knew it was time. That's how it is for me- when I know I know, and there is no changing my mind or second guessing- it was time to have another baby. I felt the same way with your brother, one day I had no thoughts of babies, the next day it was all consuming-all I could think about. A baby, a baby, I need to have a baby. It came without warning, like a sudden rush to get somewhere or do something, and I knew it was time. I became pregnant the first month and I felt confident that my plans of another late summer baby were working out perfectly. Then without warning near my 10-12 week mark I lost that baby. It was just before Christmas. It left me empty. Sad. Broken. The intense need to have a baby stayed though, and the thoughts, I want a baby, I need a baby never left. 

At this point the perfect month to have a baby seemed irrelevant, I would wait the recommended 3 months and try again. Any month would now be a perfect month for a baby. Those were 3 very long months, and again I was consumed with thoughts of a new baby. I thought you were going to be a boy- and I would picture bunk beds and little boy play rooms. In March we tried again and as usual I got pregnant quickly. It was you my darling girl, it was you all along, this I believe. You just needed second try to get your perfect body and auburn hair just right. You made me sick, and moody, and I complained endlessly about the effects of pregnancy on my body. This is the part where I would think, this is the hard part for me, give me a newborn- postpartum, anything but pregnancy, and I can deal, this is my challenge. But I pushed though, because I knew you were on the other side.

At 20 weeks your Dad drove us to the doctor appointment to find out more about you. Your brother was with us, and when they said girl we kept asking them to check again. For some reason we were in shock. But there you were my sweet girl, it was you, it had always been you. I drove right after that to Babies R Us and bought you a little pink pair of dress shoes.

We wanted to tell your bubee that you were a girl in a creative way, so we let him open a box and out flew pink helium balloon high above our new home on the mountain- way up above 2093  Alaska ave, your soon to be home. Mom's birthday came and I turned 31, that Halloween was Jack's first on the mountain, and Thanksgiving I refused to leave Utah county for fear that you would be born on the side of the road, I was sticking straight out. Your mama was a brick house. I thought you would come in November, but you took your time. I was induced with you on the early morning hours of December 4th. Grandma came to spend the night with Jack so that  your Dad and I could leave early. I checked into the hospital around 5:00 am. You were born in Orem Utah at Mt. Timpanogas Hospital. Your doctor was Heather Harrison. Your Dad remembers the weather as inversion, but I have a memory of tiny white flakes falling as we walked in that morning, not much snow on the ground-but flurries in the air, and very cold. I wore a long striped long shirt, with black yoga pants, and brown UGG boots.

Dad remembers Bubee being so excited the days before asking "are we going yet to have the baby?" He was so excited to have a sibling. I remember kissing brother goodbye that morning, and hoping that he would adjust to sharing his parents with a new baby. Lucky for you, he has loved you dearly from day one, and you my little lady adore and mimic your brothers every move. They checked us in and then tried to stab an IV in my arm way too many times to count, and then started monitoring your little heart. I loved that sound. I had my birth plan on one hand and on the other the annoying pitocin and strep B anti viral drip on the other, these were interfering with my idea to bring you into this world with out the epidural.

 I had practiced listening to Hypnobirthing, and had my head phones blaring with the reminders. I breathed through the contractions, but they were un-natural and way too fast for my body due to the pitocin, and the birth plan went out the window. I was an 8 1/2 -9 before they got the epidural in and I felt such gratitude to the anesthesiologist who made it happen. Grandma was there, and Aunt Cherlyn, and your Dad of course, but all I could really feel was you, you an I breathing through the pain and the intensity of it all, trying to land on the other side. You were born at 2:59 pm on December 4th. You were 21 inches long and weighed 8 pounds 4 ounces, exactly one pound lighter than your brother.

Your hair was dark just like your brothers, they  handed you to me in a little yellow hat with a twisted bow sewn into it, I remember thinking that your little round head was so precious and you were much too beautiful to be a newborn. I was smitten. I had the new "Mom love" that makes you delirious to all around you-so enamored with this new little being that everything around fades like an automatic filter, and your baby becomes so crisp in your  focus. Time for those first few minutes really did feel like it was standing still.
You were here. Finally. Someday I hope you will get the opportunity to be a mother, to know what it feels like to wait- dream and wonder about a little being inside of you for 9 months, then finally to meet that little person face to face, the feelings are indescribable. Your face was so precious, your little hands and feet were puffy pink and so perfect. I would look at you, then at your Dad and my love for him at the moment was stronger than ever, we had made you, we wanted you, we loved you. You were here, you were a Gunther, Jack had a sister, I had a daughter, and your Daddy had a Daddies little girl at last.

Few moments in my life have given me the peace that moment did, I fell completely and utterly in love with you for life the moment I saw you. I sometimes close my eyes and try to picture it all over again, and feel the feelings I felt that day, I can remember it in pieces and flutters, but never at the same intensity.
Soon after you were born alarms started blaring and nurses were running about saying I had lost too much blood, it didn't look well and I might need a transfusion. I felt light headed and dizzy and so exposed as they tried

to remedy the situation. You were being cared for by the sweet nurses, and Daddy was holding my hand. It all happened fast and I was afraid, but soon things calmed down and I  didn't need to get more blood.
Exhaustion has a way of creeping in after such an exhilarating time, and it hit me hard. The pain medication left me feeling too dizy to lift my head and I needed to sleep. Your aunt Cherlyn stayed the first night with us holding you all night long for me, while I tried to keep the room from spinning. Morning came and brought clarity though, and all was well. It was all worth it, the long nine months, the weight gain, the sickness, I would have done it all over again just for you, even for just a moment to hold you and see your sweet face, I would do it all over again.
My sweet Brooklyn. You are my baby girl. I am your mother, we are intertwined through this life and the sweet and wonderful journeys that await. I do not know what the future holds, but I do know that I will wake up everyday loving you, working hard for you, trying to teach you that you are a daughter of God, that you are loved, that you are capable, that you can do and be anything that your heart desires, that I proud of you, that there is nothing in this world that I would not do for that would benefit your overall good. 

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